Today started well, I felt clear headed and quite cheerful. I arranged to meet up with dad and found myself being patient and offering practical advice, over a hot cup of tea,  on returning to work, which resulted in us arranging to travel there tomorrow morning so he can discuss redeployment. That really made me feel better about things.

So I grabbed some groceries, cycled home and found myself feeling a bit grotty…eventually finding myself in the most foul mood! This one I can probably put down to a lack of food. I find if I don’t eat at the right time I can get the most terrible of tempers, not good for me and certainly not good for those around me. I tried to loose  myself in my new found love of practicing, poorly, in the culinary arts. After deciding to go vegetarian tonight, mainly due to buying far too much veg and an aubergine I wasn’t quite sure what to do with, I was feeling a little better but still not right….

At this point I just had to get out of the house. So I pulled on my leathers, grabbed my lid and fired up my pride and joy…an ’08 Triumph Speed Triple 1050 in blazing orange! I spent the next three hours riding through the countryside on some of my favorite roads in the evening sunshine, totally absorbed in the interaction between me and my motorcycle and the beautiful scenery I was passing through. By the time I returned home all the bad feelings had disappeared…I sat in the rocking chair watching the sky change from ice blue to peach to violet and finally deepest midnight blue, the stars just coming out and the waxing crescent of the moon just rising over the rooftops, all the while reveling in the feeling you get after such a stunning, beautiful, relaxing ride. It’s a kind of humming energy in every fiber of your being and a feeling that your mind has been cleansed by cool, clear water.

It nearly  killed me once but it’s this feeling that keeps me doing it.

Bliss!

Dad

I am such a short tempered git. I guess it’s just the recent circumstances (once again) that have made me this way but, really, I need to get over it. I try and see my dad daily and encourage him with going back to work, getting a place with his partner and I try, I really try to be enthusiastic and engage in proper conversation with him…but I always end up feeling too annoyed and irritable to offer anything really meaningful.

A little history. Mum and dad split when I was young, maybe eight or nine years old. That didn’t stop us seeing each other at all; if anything I think we ended up spending more time together! Day trips to London were always a real highlight during my formative years. As I came to mature we became a lot closer, him becoming more like a best friend to me. We really did have some excellent times together. I miss that. I miss him. Dad has suffered from type one diabetes for the last twenty years and has kinda managed it in a slightly hap-hazard way…not always eating right, sometimes drinking too much but he’s muddled through. Recently however he developed a problem with his legs. At first it was suspected that he may have suffered a stroke…however, after a lot of to and froing it’s now suspected to be diabetic neuropathy. We are awaiting an appointment for a nerve stimulation test to come and hopefully that should yield some answers for us.

So, anyway, it’s been several weeks, obviously he has been signed off work and now he’s in a bit of a rut. He is walking a lot better now but still tires easily. I guess I’ve been nagging him a bit but I really want him to return to work…I keep asking him to go and see the boss and discuss redeployment in a less physically demanding position but he seems to keep putting it off…it’s frustrating. Another point I’ve been harassing him on is getting a place with his now long term partner…but again, he seems to be putting it off, which while he’s ill is understandable…however, it was the same before this all happened. It seems like a good thing for him to do right now though as the place he is in right now really isn’t good for him. I just want the best for him. Now I know how he’s felt for the last thirty one years.

I love my dad.

—————-
Now playing: Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here

So is there a point in every ones life where they realise that the Glory Days are gone? Or is it just the mood I’m in? Is nostalgia really a trap? I’m looking back with those rose tinted spectacles I suppose. I remember always feeling so much better and having so many more friends and having so much more to do and having so much more to look forward to.

Ok, ok, stop right there…let’s look at things more….positively:-

• I have the most amazing partner, the person I’ve been looking for all my life
• I have a loving, close, supportive family
• I have full time employment (something we can’t take for granted at the moment)
• I have the freedom of choice

Hmmm….that’s really quite nice and it was straight off the top of my head, not a struggle at all. So just  what is it that drives me down?  Recent circumstances have somewhat limited my social movements and while I’m by no means a  social butterfly I find that a lack of contact does have a detrimental effect upon my mental well being. Conversely I also value my “me” time…I sometime need to indulge myself, be it just reading alone with a hot cuppa, watching my favorite film, cycling, motorcycling or trying to embrace my new found interest in cooking. But it’s all about getting the right balance and right now the scales are well off!

So, how to move forward? Well, this is helping a lot, just typing out my thoughts, channeling my energies into something and then reading it back and realising just how many positives are in my life…from there I’m able to isolate the negatives and and work on improving them while putting more of an emphasis on the good things in life, big and small. It sounds simple but putting it into practice is another story altogether. I am trying though! These things take time, right?

God,  I need a hot cuppa.

The start of my writing…

Let me first explain why I am typing this all out. It’s because of boredom…that and the sense that I am missing something in my life, a certain something that I am not yet quite able to define. Prior to this I have spent the last five weeks recovering from a relatively minor operation to repair arthritic damage to one of my ankles (sustained when an over-zealous driver decided to pull out on my motorcycle a few years back). These last weeks, for the majority, have been very boring to say the least…so I want to use this to stimulate my mind and maybe find out something about myself along the way. Let’s hope it lasts!